Life Stage Events and Instinct

As I grew older, I realized that my siblings and I would eventually be faced with elder care issues and those life changing events that have now been defined as issues of the sandwich generation. As my parents were aging, my family and I were finding more and more occasions to celebrate and spend time with our parents. Then it happened, it seemed like life changed in an instant and we were immediately forced to recognize and adjust to life stage events that were beyond our control.

For Dad’s 75th birthday, we planned a small family get together. We all planned and coordinated our flights and schedules so we would arrive on the same day within hours of each other so we could make an entrance and all arrive at the same time at Mom and Dad’s house. Dad loved and enjoyed the entire weekend! For my Mom’s 75th, we all surprised her and showed up at a local restaurant, then stayed the entire weekend. It was so fun planning the weekend and keeping it a secret from her. She was so happy! We also planned cruises and vacations together, always enjoying each other and the time we were spending together.

None of us in my family were prepared when my father passed away quickly and without much notice. Unknowingly, we were forced into our first life stage event related to our parents aging and health. Once something happens like this, it changes everything in your life. I realize each person deals and accepts death differently, but I always thought that with the activities and time we spent together that I would be at peace when my parents pass away, knowing they lived a happy life and were loved. Not true. I think I was in shock the first few months after Dad died. It didn’t seem possible that I would never be able to ask his advice, go on a vacation with him or simply web cam with him on a Saturday morning. Even though we had our own feelings and grief to accept, my sister, brother and I knew we had to focus our energies on Mom. How could she live the rest of her life without him? So, immediately the focus changed from me and us, to her. I really think, we did it without even realizing it at the time. I wouldn’t do anything differently today now that I’m looking back upon it. It was instinct.

Additionally, during this life stage event, my sister had to address the concerns of her children. She was forced to balance the managing her own grief along with the grief of our mother and her children. That’s what the sandwich generation is all about. How can we effectively manage our own lives, along with those of our children and aging parents?

Being a parent, you instinctively care and love your children unconditionally. It’s the same dealing with the issues of your aging parents. You don’t have control of the situation, but are forced to deal with the consequences and make decisions that affect you and your entire family. Mutigenerational family’s life stage events affect everyone and never just one person. I’d like to give you the magic answer about preparing to deal with these issues, but I don’t think there is one. Communication between all members of the family is the key to handling the issues as they arise. With good communication you can be sure that everyone has an understanding of the issues and are in agreement with the plan to address them. Don’t try to prevent or ignore the issues, but be prepared to deal with them effectively when they do arise.